Over Them Waters

The Olympics suck. There, I said it. Call ESPN Olympics apologist and epically pathetic radio host Mike Golic and tell him I said so. Everyone trying to shove this “Olympic greatness” bullsh*t down my throat is a complete hypocrite. If the Olympics are so riveting…if it really is more than 699 offbeat sports and one that everyone recognizes (basketball), then please, educate me on how much gymnastics or swimming you watch other than once every 4 years. You can’t. Because you don’t. Yet you are trying to convince me that I should dibble dabble in it NOW? Just because the event is overhyped? Au contrare.

And don’t say “that’s because it’s never on” in your best Peyton Manning whiny voice. It’s never on because no one watches it. Dick Ebersol (NBC exec) would put his mother showering with shaving cream on TV if he knew it’d get Alaska sized ratings every week. He knows…and so do all the other big time station execs that I don’t know the names of…what I know. People don’t care.

People watch sports for the following reasons…

1. They played it/have a high understanding of the game
EG: I played football, so I watch a ton of football

2. Accessibility
EG: I don’t prefer pro football, but I’m often off on Sundays so I watch it. And Monday nights, when I don’t think anyone actually works.

3. Grew up around it
EG: From Houston, parents watch Oilers games, I watch the Texans

All these offbeat, naredowell sports get no viewers b/c the casual fan can’t fit water polo, beach volleyball, or gymnastics into any of those categories. So spare me the camaraderie of competition crap and admit it’s a wing and a prayer in hopes of over-marketing something to the point where a few people watch it just because it’s on.

I’m not not watching it for stupid political reasons. I don’t care how China does their road every day as a nation. Nor am I not watching it because I dislike sport and competition. I’m not watching it for the same reasons national TV guys are completely afraid to admit…

1. It’s on when most people who don’t play their trade craft as vampires are asleep. Yes, I know there are reruns. Nothing is less riveting than watching something I don’t care about than watching something I don’t care about when I already know the outcome.

2. NBC otherwise sucks, so it’s not taking over any shows I actually WATCH. If it was on ESPN, HBO, or maybe a few other random channels, it might have a case.

These are rock solid reasons why I don’t care. It’s bad when you’re already tired of something and damn…it’s barely started. And I’m not advocating mass protest out of boredom. Maybe you like it. I love college football. When someone comes to me and says “I don’t watch CFB b/c it’s completely uninteresting to me” I just stop there and say “ok.” I don’t ask why. It’s their choice. Then again, I don’t hear people on the drive to work imploring Americans to watch college football. Never. They do anyway. It’d be a fruitless endeavor. The fact that we even bother to TALK about whether or not the Olympics are worth watching pretty much gives me my answer for me on their significance to the American sports fan.

Besides, who can you run your mouth to when your swimmer takes 15 gold medals? Good luck finding a Cameroon-heavy bar in your ‘hood to brag to.

What’s bugging me the most so far:

1. Bob Costas and his Jet Black dyed hair! It killing me! He looks like Jerry Lewis impersonating a Japanese guy in some old black and white movie.

2. The Fencing. Come on! It’s not at all like sword fighting. No fight lasts more than one full second! Two drunks lunge at each other. What other event do I think I could just roll down and poke the other guy first? The instant the Ref says, ‘Go,” they both lunge at each other, then go to the re-plays. Never seen a worse “sport.”

3. Badminton- Seems like it could be fun to play but not much of a spectator sport.

4. Team handball- Actually looks like a cool sport- some how a cross of hockey, soccer, football, and basketball.

5. Swimming- Every Olympics, some guy is the best athlete ever with 6/7/8 golds. I started to think. How many people swim like that? 10,000? Maybe not even 1,000! It’s not like a millions of kids playing baseball or football. By college, there are maybe ten or 15 good teams, more like 5 or 6. Then only a few other countries are serious, but not like us. So every Olympics, the Spitz/Phelps guy is the best out of maybe 200 guys! In the world… Maybe less! Then there is all this talk of, is he the best athlete of all time. In the pre-lims he is 20 feet ahead of… there is a swimmer from Palastine, It was his first time in an Olympic sized pool!