What Makes Pretty People So Irritating by Craig D. Lindsey

via NewsObserver

It’s time for me to rant about something that’s been on my mind for a long time. I would like to spend a few moments opening up about people who get on my last nerve, people I try my best not to smack upside the head when I see them in public.

That’s right, I’m talking about pretty people.

Beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, attractive – whatever you wanna call ‘em, they make my jaws tight. Yes, I’m prejudiced against pretty people. I’m usually an open-minded guy, respecting people of all races, religions, creeds and sexual preferences. But if you happen to be pretty, I got no love for ya.

A while back, I wrote about why I don’t like Sarah Silverman without bringing up the major reason: She’s too pretty. Funny women aren’t supposed to be pretty! They’re supposed to be neurotic nerds or loudmouth pit bulls! Less attractive people work their whole lives to be funny just so they can get people’s love and attention, and here comes a pretty, foul-mouthed girl like Silverman swooping in and taking all that love and attention away from them with her cute, little, provocative jokes. It’s not fair, I tell ya!

As you’ve probably guessed, pretty women get my disdain. And not just pretty women, but pretty, young women. And not just pretty, young women, but pretty, young women who don’t know anything.

These days, it seems that many pretty young girls are just coasting on their looks, a camouflage for ignorance and inexperience. If there’s anything we’ve learned from MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” it’s that being sexy and stupid will get you very far in this society.

Yet pretty men are worse. What’s with all these guys who are prettier than the women they’re with? I know people get all excited about adorable dudes like Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron and Justin Bieber (who is making little girls cry on YouTube, by the way). But grown men aren’t supposed to have perfectly coiffed hair. Get a crew cut or something, fellas!

Not too long ago, talk-show host Craig Ferguson talked about another of my complaints. “Beautiful people aren’t allowed to be talented,” he said. “People get very angry when very good-looking people are talented.”

Ain’t that the truth. I respect George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet for making offbeat choices as actors. But, man, why do they have to be so good-looking? Not only that, they’re decent human beings to boot. Why must they rub their photogenic good-naturedness in my face?

I can’t fault these genetic freaks when it’s simply our culture’s fascination with beauty and perfection that designates them as the cream of the human-civilization crop. We are inundated with images of unattainable beauty: Beauty sells everything. I’m pretty sure if someone took a photo of a bikini model hovering over an AMC Pacer and plastered it on billboards across the country, guys would be trying like crazy to get their hands on one (the Pacer, that is).

The pressure to be beautiful can hit all points of the globe. Argentina is where painter and English teacher (and my former high school newspaper editor) Paula Lifschitz , who calls herself a former pretty girl, lives. She says Argentina has a tough beauty standard for women.

“Most of the girls get boob jobs, lipo and face-lifts, and they are all really skinny,” Lifschitz says. “So it makes meeting a guy who is interested in me almost impossible.” She says it’s hard for her gal pals to keep up. “Some girlfriends of mine fast every few weeks here in Buenos Aires,” she said. “They don’t eat food for, like, two days.”

Wow, is it really like that for the women of Argentina?

“Well, no, they’re American! But maybe that’s what they have to do to compete with the Argentines,” she said.

I’ve been raving like a bitter, lonely, ugly madman, but you have to admit that the importance of prettiness is getting out of hand. This is how our culture is: Beauty and prettiness are deified and cherished, while flaws and imperfections are damned and condemned.

But I like men who look like men, ugly cusses who look like they’ve been in a bar fight one too many times.

I like women with belly fat and stretch marks and bullet wounds and C-section scars. I also like women with craters and dents and wrinkles. That shows character – it shows they’ve been kicked in the butt by life!

Pretty people may rule, but it’s the regular-looking folk who keep everything going.

craig.lindsey@newsobserver.com or 919-829-4760