Capitalism: A Love Story

Written & Directed by: Michael Moore

Starring: Michael Moore, The U.S. Government, American Tax Dollars

Ahh Michael Moore. Where do I begin on his latest documentary about the American love affair with making a profit? With the factory workers in Chicago that refused to be put out of their job without their proper severance? With the Congresswoman who urged any homeowners facing foreclosure to become squatters in their own homes and refused to be moved? With the ex CEO’s of Goldman Sachs that became in charge of the U.S. Treasury and used their power to bail their buddies out? The Dead Peasant policy, where your company profits from your death? No. I think I’ll start at the end of the movie. Where Michael Moore states that he refuses to live in a country like this. And no, he doesn’t plan to move.

Michael starts the film with footage of his childhood. Growing up in Flint, Michigan, the son of a factory worker. Where they own their own home, off one income. Taking vacations every other summer to New York. His father had healthcare coverage for the entire family, and his pension was safe and secure, ready for him in his retirement. The American Dream.

Somewhere between then and now, Americans’ dreams have shifted to making as much money as they possibly could and squashing whoever stands in there way. We work twice as much but don’t have the pay to show for it. Digging ourselves deeper and deeper into debt, “working jobs we hate to buy shit we don’t need” – Tyler Durden.

The documentary covers many aspects of the failing economy. Financial analyst, Harvard professors, foreclosed homeowners, property vultures, and even the clergy give their view on how we got to be where we are now, and what exactly there is to be done about it.

I was particularly interested in the clergy’s point of view on the evils of capitalism and the amazing power of propaganda, which is doing an excellent job of making the people support the very thing that is taking them down.

There’s tons more to the movie, but I don’t want to spoil it. I can’t say that Michael Moore breaks new ground on the government screwing over the people for their money, but it is a different perspective on some aspects of history (my mouth was wide open in shock during the part about FDR’s proposed Second Bill of Rights). I give it an A. Just like I would have given Sicko, Fahrenheit 911, and Bowling For Columbine. Yes you will be upset when you leave. And yes you will think of Huey Freeman calling Ronald Regan the devil. But do everyone a favor, and take someone who called President Obama a Socialist, like it was a bad word, with you to see it.

Funny People

Written & Directed by: Judd Apatow
Starring: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill, Eric Bana

Rated R for language and crude sexual humor throughout, and some sexuality

George Simmons (Sandler) is an incredible famous comedian who is known for his crazy movies that feature his head on a baby’s body, or his body with a mermaid tail, or just him doing silly voices. He also likes to play guitar and has tons of celebrity friends. Ira Wright (Rogen) is a wanna-be stand up comedian/full time deli worker, who sleeps on the fold out couch of his TV “star” friend Mark (Schwartzman) and their other up and coming comedian friend Leo (Hill).

Sadly, George finds out that he has a very rare blood disease that will more than likely kill him and decides to get back to his roots and hit the Improv spot to do good old fashioned stand-up. Leo and Ira are super psyched to see one of their comedy idols up close and personal but George’s crazy-sad act leaves them a little freaked out. Especially when George tries to run Ira over in the parking lot.

But a short while later George calls the boys and asks them if they’d like to do a little writing for his act. Ira accepts but declines on behalf of Leo (unbeknownst to him). Ira and George get a little work done, then Ira gets hired as George’s assistant. They hit the road and do a few well-paying acts here and there and George’s career starts to get back in stride.

Things get a little screwy when Ira suggests that George reach out to his friends and tell them that he is in fact, dying, because surely they’d be more support than he can be. George reluctantly obliges and even calls his long lost love Laura (Mann) despite the fact that she is married to Clarke (Bana).

Ok first things first. The title of this movie is very misleading. Previews even sort of show that this isn’t just a pee-your-pants funny type comedy. It should be more “Funny People: Serious Shit” or “Watching Funny People live real life”. Don’t get me wrong. I laughed throughout the whole movie. But it’s not like 40 Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up. Not even close. It’s more of a humorous drama… full of dick jokes.

Firstly, the movie is waaay long. And I think it was because it’s two movies trying to be one. There’s the movie with the mentor and the mentee. And then the movie about the guy who gets a second look at his life and tries to amend his mistakes. Either movie would have been very solid on its own, but the two together left for very drawn out story once Ira and George go to actually visit Laura and her family (note: Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow’s two daughters play “Laura’s” daughters in the movie again. Just like in Knocked Up). It feel like they just totally moved in instead of a quick overnight visit.

That was really my only complaint with the movie, even though I couldn’t figure out George’s obsession with Ira’s penis. Now to the good.

On very first note I loved the soundtrack. Loved it! Turns out its some Lennon and Wilco (whom get plenty mention in the film). I loved Mark’s apartment and wanted every poster and record hung up. I loved Ira’s t-shirts. I loved the mock-up poster of Chris Rock dressed as Hendrix and every fake movie George Simmons was in. And it’s awesome that Apatow puts old home footage of Adam Sandler doing prank calls and stand-up in the scenes so you can establish how long this George Simmons has actually been around. And despite the glaring similiarties between “George” and Sandler, it didn’t feel like he was just playing himself. Like I don’t buy that Adam Sandler is that much of a dick in real life. George is tired of being in stupid movies just to make money and isn’t really close to anyone. Sandler plays it well though.

Seth Rogen isn’t as Seth Rogen-y as he has been in every other movie. He’s more shy and quiet in this one instead of crude. He has the hots for Mark’s neighbor Daisy, (Aubrey Plaza) another comedian, but is too scared to make a move. He slimmed down a lot so Apatow puts in plenty jokes about that.

For some reason or another I never really saw how George and Laura were oh-so-deep in love but I think it’s just cause the George character is such a jerk you don’t know how he was close to anyone. Leslie Mann plays it well enough. She’s not as bitchy as she usually is. The other supporting cast does well too. And there’s a bazillion cameos in the movie. I loved it, even though everyone looks crazy old.

Overall I give this a B. I see where Apatow was trying to go with this and I’m sure on his next go round he’ll get the bulls-eye. Go see it…but not with any children within earshot, and when you don’t have too many other obligations for the rest of the day.

Public Enemies

Written by: Ronan Bennett, Michael Mann
Directed by: Michael Mann

Starring: Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Billy Crudup, Stephen Graham

Rated R for gangster violence and some language
Public Enemies is a look at about a year and a half in the life of John Dillinger (Depp) as a notorious bank robber during the Great Depression in 1933.  He likes movies, fast cars, robbing banks, and Billie Frenchette (Cotillard).  Pretty simple guy.  J. Edgar Hoover (Crudup) is a government guy who is trying to start what is now the FBI.  He gets Melvin Purvis (Bale) to head up the Chicago division and gives him the difficult task of capturing Dillinger, “Baby Face” Nelson (Graham), and “Pretty Boy” Floyd.  

Dillinger is a pretty quiet guy.  He has a few close friends.  He’s loyal to them.  And it seems as if he has a few principles.  He won’t take any of the customers or tellers money, only the banks.  Purvis is determined to get his man and J. Edgar Hoover is making it a national campaign to stop the crime spree in the Midwest.

It was a great change to see Johnny Depp play a role that didn’t require makeup.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved…ok well I generally liked all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and I watch Edward Scissorhands whenever it is on.  But Johnny is a good actor period. I liked his Dillinger.  He was a cool bad guy.  Like you wanted to be friends with him.  He was charming and thought things through and was smart.  Plus anyone who can successfully rob a bank in under two minutes, with no casualties, without casing the joint, and give the hostage a souvenir is certifiably awesome.

Christian Bale was good in this too, just like he is in the other billion movies he’s been in the past couple years, but I wouldn’t call this a particularly stand out role for him. He kinda seemed like a dick, but I guess its because the guys he were working with pretty much botched every task they had before them. 

I really liked Marion Cotillard’s Billie.  She was young and was totally smitten with Dillinger, but she wasn’t stupid.  She knew what was at risk when getting involved with such an infamous guy, but she went for it anyway.  I think Stephen Graham had a great time playing the crazy “Baby Face” Nelson.  I was dying for him to say something along the lines of “I believe you, but my Tommy gun don’t.”

Normally I don’t pay much attention to the cinematography, but it was pretty cool in this movie.  I read that Mann uses HD cameras to do the filming, and its very noticeable.  Sometimes I couldn’t tell if they used actual old footage, or just were able to make the print look that authentic.  Mann also gives you a great car chase in the woods and plenty shootouts (I guess that’s what “gangster violence” is to the ratings board).  I did have some problems with the audio and at first I was pissed thinking that Bale was using his “Batman growl” but the sound was just low on what everyone was saying.  I actually read a lot of people’s complaints about this.

Overall I give the movie a B.  Mann does a good job showing you a general overview of crime in 1933, so we don’t get much background info on why Dillinger is who he is, but we’re also introduced to all these other gangster guys that you’ve heard about in rap songs (as soon as they mentioned Frank Nitti, the “I Got 5 On It” remix wouldn’t get out of my head) and have seen in Bugs Bunny cartoons, but its too many guys and nobody really gets the focus they deserve.  The 2.5 hours runtime actually flew by for me and it would be a great BluRay buy.

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen

Written by: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese, John Tuturo, Ramon Rodriguez, Kevin Dunn, Julie White

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material.

Boom.  Fight. Fight.  Laugh. Fight. Laugh. Autobot history.  Full on battle.  Laugh. Love. Boom.  That is the plot for Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen.  Is that not informative enough?  I will try and keep it short as the whole plot itself is a little…convoluted.

Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) is leaving his parents (Dunn and White) and heading to college. He promises to stay with his superhot girlfriend Mikela (Fox) and asks his alien car, Bumblebee, to leave him and go join Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots because his dads garage is no good place for him to be.  Sam’s mom is heartbroken her baby is leaving and the dad can’t wait for him to go so they can start a super vacation. While going through his closet, Sam digs out his old Transformer 1 clothes and a piece of the All-Spark falls out, goes through the floorboards, and lands in the kitchen igniting the electrical gadgets into crazed…robots.

Meanwhile Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel), Optimus Prime, and the other Autobots/military guys are under scrutiny for their allegiance.  Apparently the government is mad because the robots won’t share their technology.  The Decepticons have been spotted in different countries around the world and they have to be looking for something.  Maybe something to re-animate Megatron, who is down in the bottom of the ocean, heavily guarded by all types of Navy personnel. 

Sam goes off to college and ends up with a conspiracy theory website runner, Leo (Rodriguez) as his roomie.  Maybe Leo knows a thing or two about aliens who hide among us as cars. 

Soooo then some Decepticons rain down on us and free Megatron and Megatron goes back to whatever planet they live on and talk to his master and his master is all “find me the life force for our kind!” and Megatron is all “aye aye sir”.  But at the same time Sam is going nuts and seeing symbols because he touched the all spark then Megatron hunts him down and they both end up looking for the life force at the same time.  I think that is the plot.

I was a little worried about Transformers 2 after the gazillion bad reviews that had been written, but after I learned from my midnight screening viewing friends that it was in fact awesome, I felt a little better.  But the critics aren’t necessarily wrong about the movie.  The plot is not air tight.  Some things just do not make sense.  I do not care about Sam and Mikela’s teenage love nor the fact that they can’t express it.  I don’t care about Sam’s college life.  I don’t care about the parents vacationing in Paris.  I don’t even care how hot Megan Fox is (and yes she’s hot, but do they have to make her look so pouty.  What kind of lip gloss lasts through an all out war in the desert?).  I don’t care about governmental bureaucracy and conspiracy theories.  I don’t even care about the history of the Autobots and Decipticons.   All I want to see is robots kicking ass. 

And that they do.  Michael Bay gives plenty of action in this flick.  The two ten-year-old boys and I had a blast.  We literally all had the same expression when Optimus Prime goes “King Kong” on a few Decepticons out in this field.  Total awe.  Like I almost reached over and high fived the kid.  But Michael Bay also gives this movie the Bad Boys 2 treatment.  It’s like take everything you loved from the first one; the humor, the action, and you stretch it out and double it and put so much into it you forget what happened the first hour of the movie.  I won’t rant about Bad Boys 2, but you get my point.  That’s what happens in Transformers 2.  Yes the parents are inappropriate and funny but the whole time? There are quite a few cheap laughs (and yes I laughed at them).  And there are more robots which is a plus, but these two little Chevy Aveo (I think) twin cars were sooooo annoying.  It was like two Jar-Jar Binks’ running around.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted cars to wreck so badly.  There’s lots of travel in the movie too. Unexplained teleporting-type travel.  And it gets confusing on the time span of the movie in some places too.  But at least the mystery of the pyramids gets explained.

All in all, this is a total popcorn flick.  Transformers was created when I was little to sell toys.  I had quite a few of them in the 80s.  Now I want the toys and the cars to go along with it.   As a whole its not on level with the other action movies of this summer (see: Star Trek) or even the first Transformers movie.  The adult in me gives it a C- but overall I give it a B- and that’s because the awesomeness of Optimus Prime gets an A alone.

The Proposal

Written by: Pete Chiarelli
Directed by: Anne Fletcher

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson, Betty White, Denis O’Hare, Malin Akerman, Oscar Nunez

Rated PG-13 for sexual content, nudity and language

Normally I don’t bother with romantic comedies because they’re all the same, but for some reason I have a thing for Sandra Bullock and an even bigger thing for Ryan Reynolds so I had to give this one a go.

Margaret Tate (Bullock) is a no-nonsense Senior editor for a big firm in New York.  She dresses nice, is well put together, lives in a posh Central Park loft, and is hated by absolutely everyone in her office.  Her assistant, Andrew Paxton (Reynolds) is a 20-something wanna be editor who has been schlepping around behind Tate for the past three years just hoping to get a promotion. 

After firing the guy right underneath her, Margaret is summoned to the big bosses office where she learns that she is being deported back to her native Canada for disobeying the law while reapplying for her Visa.  Once deported Margaret will lose her job and the guy she just fired would be put in her place.  Coincidently Andrew has to interrupt the meeting to get Margaret for other business.  The wheels turn in her head and she announces to her superiors that she is in fact engaged to Andrew thus letting her become an American citizen.  Andrew agrees if it gets him bumped up to editor.

Of course the government is suspicious of the union so Mr. Gilbertson (O’Hare) is assigned to the case and is determined to take the couple down.  Certainly a weekend trip to the family house in Alaska would be enough evidence that these two love birds are legit…or will it?

There’s not much new to this movie.  There’s a bitchy boss who can’t get a man.  A young ambitious guy who has more layers than there appears to be.  A cute mom and dad couple (Steenburgen and Nelson).  The nice ex-girlfriend (Akerman)who regrets letting the guy go.  Lots of misunderstandings and uncomfortable moments.  All ingredients for the typical rom-com/date flick.  But this isn’t a bad one.  In fact, its quite enjoyable.

It’s good to see Sandra Bullock ditch sugary girl she’s been known to play.  Ryan Reynolds is a great smart-ass but they try and give his character depth with the bad father-son relationship he shares with Craig T. Nelson.  Betty White is the typical quirky grandma.  I wish she would have cursed a lot more, but no complaints on her part.

The big big star of this movie is the beautiful Alaskan backdrop.  I think the last movie I saw based there was Insomnia (the Simpson’s Movie doesn’t count really) and it drove me nuts.  Oh and bonus points to the movie for having Sandra Bullock sing a lot of Lil Jon and drop it like its hot. 

Overall I give this movie a C+.  Too much logic is overlooked for me to give it higher ratings.  How could the company be ok with a subordinate being engaged to their boss and getting a promotion?  Why can’t she just have a work Visa? Do eagles really try to steal puppies (ok that’s not really necessary to the plot but they make a big deal about it)?  But you get a few laughs and maybe even a mushy feeling somewhere in you.  Totally a movie you just turn on if you catch it on HBO and you’re bumming on the couch.  Nothing wrong with that.

Away We Go

Written by: Dave Eggers & Vendela Vida

Directed by: Sam Mendes

Starring: John Krasinski, Maya Rudolph, Allison Janney, Jeff Gaffigan, Maggie Gylenhaal, Jeff Daniels, Catherine O’Hara, Chris Messina

Rated R for language and some sexual content.

Burt (Krasinski) and Verona (Rudolph) are a early 30’s couple who have been sort of just making it through life. Burt sells insurance to insurance companies over the phone (in a hilarious voice, to mask his easy-goingness) and Verona is an artist who paints pictures for medical books (I think, they weren’t 100% clear on it). They’ve been together for a long time, but Verona refuses to marry Burt. Ever. Suddenly, the two discover they are pregnant.

Six months later we see a large bellied Verona and Burt making their way to Burt’s parents house. Gloria (O’Hara) and Jerry (Daniels) are super excited to be sole grandparents (Verona’s parents passed away while the couple was in college), and can’t wait to welcome the little girl into their lives, after having two sons of their own. While at dinner Gloria and Jerry share their own big news…they plan to move to Belgium. Soon. So soon the baby won’t even be born yet.

Totally rocked by the news Burt and Verona realize that it will just be them and the baby out alone in the world. They have no family nearby and don’t have that many friends. Verona figures since they have no ties to the city, they can pick up and leave and start fresh with their family once the baby arrives. Pooling whatever little money that have, the two take a trek to different cities, visiting different friends and relatives, to see who they’d want to live near.

In Phoenix they visit Lily (Janney), Verona’s old boss and her husband Lowell (Gaffigan), who have two kids. Verona’s sister (Carmen Ejogo) in Tuscon. Burt’s cousin LN (Gyllenhaal) and her family in Wisconsin, Burt’s brother and his daughter in Florida, and college friends in Montreal who have adopted kids.

Along the way they learn a lot about what kind of life they want for their family and more about what kind of people they are. It’s a darkly funny coming of age story, and yes you can come of age at 33.

This is light-years more upbeat than the last Sam Mendes film that I saw (Revolutionary Road). And although I’ve read tons of negative comments about it being a “pretentious indie flick” I absolutely loved it. It’s very humorous but you still feel really close to the characters. Like they are your own friends. You want things to work out for them. Also a great change of pace to see a film where the couple actually likes being together. And I’m sure everyone who has even thought about kids sees families that you in no way want to be like, much like Burt and Verona experience on their journey.

I think John Krasinski will always be “Jim from The Office” to a lot of people, but that sort of works for him in this movie. Even with the beard, scruffy hair, and glasses, there is a little bit of Jim in Burt. I was very pleased with Maya Rudolph’s Verona. She was funny, but not silly like she tends to be on SNL. You really could feel Verona’s loss when she talked about her parents passing away with her sister. The two had great chemistry as a couple.

All of the supporting cast was great as well. I am totally sure Maggie Gylenhaal had a blast playing LN, the quirky, alternative lifestyle mom who hates strollers because “why would she want to push her babies away”. I also really liked Chris Messina’s character, Tom, their old college friend. He loves his wife and their adopted kids, but the couple has gone through a lot and he delivers this great metaphor about what it takes to build a family.

And the writers did a great job of NOT ignoring that she is in fact black. Verona’s character responds to it several times throughout the movie. Don’t let the poster art fool you, this is ain’t a Juno ripoff.

Overall I give this movie an A. I laughed. I got teary. I got teary from laughing. If you love the trailer you will definetly love the movie. And if you just felt so-so about the trailer, you should still give the movie a chance.

The Brothers Bloom

Written and Directed by: Rian Johnson
Rated PG-13 for violence, some sensuality and brief strong language

Starring: Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo, Rachel Weisz, Rinko Kikuchi

In rhyming fairy tail fashion we are introduce to two orphaned brothers, Stephen, 13, and Bloom, 10.  Kicked out of home after home due to various misdemeanors, the brothers finally settle in a nice little town.  Clearly outsiders from the rest of the kids, Bloom desperately wants to adapt, but Stephen has a plan to make a lot of money.  He maps out a con for Bloom to get aquainted with the neighborhood kids and tell them a fascinating story about a troll in a cave that knows the way to a secret treasure but needs $30 to show them the way.  All the kids chip in and Stephen sets the trap.  After the whole con is over, the kids don’t learn exactly what the troll’s treasure was, but they do get a thrill from the chase, the only dry cleaner in town has a shop full of dirty children’s clothes, and Bloom and Stephen walk off with their cut of the dry cleaners money.  Everyone gets what they wanted.  The sign of a great con.

Cut to twenty-five years later we see Bloom (Brody) and Stephen (Ruffalo) in a burning room with a gun pointed squarely at Bloom’s chest.  He’s shot and the gun man runs off.  Stephen puts on an act of mourning over his brothers body while Bang Bang (Kikuchi), their silent partner, stands on the sidelines waiting for the show to be over.  The trio go to the local bar and celebrate being the best con men in the area.  Bloom excuses himself and goes outside for some fresh air, but Stephen joins him and they have an all too familiar conversation about Bloom wanting out of the con business.  He tells his brother goodbye and escapes to Montenegro.

Three months later Bloom is awaken by his brother’s smiling face because he has a great new plan.  They are going to scam a bored heiress, Penelope Stamp (Weisz), who lives in New Jersey.  Certainly this will be their last scam…EVER. 

Bloom, Stephen, and Bang Bang scope out Penelope and send Bloom crashing into her.  Literally.  He learns that she is in fact a millionare, and collects hobbies including: piano and violin playing, juggling, and making regular objects into pin hole cameras.  He tells her that is in an antique dealer and will be on a boat soon to collect a treasure.  They part ways and Bloom heads to the boat to meet his partners, unsure if Penelope fell for the trap.  She does and joins the crew on the boat. 

Once the foursome’s adventure begins, it starts to get hard to figure out what is planned and what is coincidental. The crew lets Penelope know that they were once antique smugglers but they swear they have gone straight but she wants in on a heist.  There’s a cast of people in on their scheme…or so it seems, but you never really figure out who is playing who until the very end.  Lots of foreshadowing and small clues have you thinking one way, then one person will do something that will throw you off track. 

I’ve never seen anything from Mark Ruffalo where I didn’t like his performance.  And Brody is good as the younger brother who just wants to lead a normal life.  But the women are the real stars of the movie.  Weisz is great and you really feel Penelope’s shyness and loneliness, but you know that she’s a lot smarter than she seems and could possible be playing the brothers…well at least one of them…maybe.  And I never thought I could love a character who literally says three or four words the entire movie, but Kikuchi does a great job with Bang Bang.

A lot of the movie has a very big Wes Anderson (see: The Royal Tennenbaums, The Darjeeling Limited) vibe to it.  It’s like you can’t place exactly what time period the movie is taking place in.  Classic clothes and cars, and exotic scenery, and then someone will use a cell phone or something to let you know its current.  But then I found out that the Rian Johnson also did the movie Brick, which is has the same tone.  Sounds and acts like a film noir movie, but takes place in a modern day high school.

I really liked this movie.  I don’t think it is the kind of movie for everyone because lately when we think of con movies we think of The Italian Job or Ocean’s 11.  This one drags in a few spots, but overall it is enjoyable.  Like when it comes on IFC or Showtime later I’ll just put it on wherever it is.  Check it out…if you can.  Right now it’s limited release.
Grade: B

I am a fan of words. Clearly.  One of the great things about them is that if done correctly, you can get your thoughts across in a concise manner so the other party knows what you were going for.  Sticks and stones? Pfft.  Words are a way more powerful thing.  Remember those “knowledge is power” commercials? Poetry has moved some to tears.  Speeches have inspired nations.  Music lyrics have affected generations. Books have been burned and banned due to content.  Races were denied the right to learn to read.  See what I mean?  Words are a great form of communication, and thusly a massive source of miscommunication.

I’ve been thinking more and more about this miscommunication thing.  Tone, implications, and sarcasm (thanks to Mr. Murell, my 11^th grade AP English III teacher, for making me learn all those literary terms.  Stafford American represent) are major factors in miscommunication. Anybody that’s ever argued with a significant other can tell you that.  But I think one of the simplest (and easiest to fix) causes is lack of definition. 

People have different definitions for words. Remember when Clinton was on trial? And he argued about the definition of “is”? Or have you come across someone who tries to use big fancy sounding words, but they use them wrong and you get that dumbfounded look on your face. And you look at them to see the same dumbfounded expression because they don’t understand why you’re looking like that?  Webster’s dictionary is not the only source of definitions.  They are different based on region, culture, race, age, experiences, upbringing, all kinds of crap. But damn at least let people know what you mean when you say something.  Let’s explore further.

Last week a friend of mine has me over to her house for a girls night in.  Woo hoo.  Drinking and dirty conversations (see: implication by the use of the phrase “girls night in”).    There’s about a dozen of us there. Ranging 21-33 years old.  And we get on the subject of the housing market.  Where we’ve looked.  Where we want to live.  Where the good schools are.  And I tell the group that I love the city and would want to look here.  Not like downtown get a loft in the heart of the city. But still, I wouldn’t mind my zip code starting with 770–.  And they are just appalled.   One of them goes “well the schools just aren’t good in the city”. Ok fine. That’s your opinion, not to be confused with fact.  And another says “well I’d stick to the suburbs.  Sugarland is a good community”.  Then another goes “well you have to be careful because some parts of Sugarland are ghetto.” And thus begins a grave miscommunication.

Now if at that point Kelly would have stopped and been like “when I say ‘ghetto’ I mean a non-gated community” then we could have proceeded with the conversation.  But did Kelly do that? No.  And I was left with the aforementioned dumbfounded look.  I mean I have been to Sugarland.  From First Colony Mall to that little airport they have over there.  The big fat mansions to the apartment buildings.  And none of it qualifies to what I consider to be ghetto.   I wasn’t even thinking in the Jewish sense either. 

I remember a couple months ago when Souljah Boy first hit YouTube (because nowadays everything is viral) and I’m like “superman that hoe?” <insert dumbfounded face>.  Because to me Superman was the best superhero ever.  Not in terms of awesomeness, but just cause he had these great powers.  And a hoe is a hoe. So I’m thinking he’s on some Captain Save-a-hoe type stuff.  Until I stumble upon the wonder that is the UrbanDictionary.  And I type “superman” in.  Up pops several definitions of disgusting feats.  If you get some time, go check out what the kids are singing about these days.

I get the whole concept of taking a word with negative connotation and turning it around to mean something good.  Women call their friends bitches.  If she’s a well to-do friend, she’s a bad bitch.  Term of endearment they say.  Michael Jackson wrote a song about how bad he was.  Some kids aspire to be pimps. How differently would you feel if someone said “you my nigGUH” and opposed to “you a nigGER”. But you have to know the way the person was intending to use the word.  Follow me?

See, there’s this term that the kids like to use, in the whole bad-meaning-good way, that I can’t quite grasp.  Goon.  Confused aren’t you?  Let’s do a little side-by-side comparison.

Webster:

Main Entry:

goon

Pronunciation:

\?gün\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

probably short for English dialect gooney simpleton

Date:

1921

1: a stupid person2 a: a man hired to terrorize or eliminate opponents b: enforcer 2b

Vs. UrbanDictionary:

See. I’m frustrated all over again. 

So please make sure that you try and communicate as effectively as possible.  Know your (simulated) audience.  And most importantly make sure they know what your words mean.  Cause being seen as a goon is not what’s hot (in this case meaning cool ).

My morning routine is as follows:  hear alarm, hit snooze, hear alarm, hit snooze, turn on the news, roll out of bed, get ready for work.  The news used to be a vital part of my morning.  Things out there change at the drop of a hat, or drop of a bomb.  It’s never the same as the day it was before.  I need to know if I need to take an umbrella or a different route into the job.  And secretly, I used to hope my building had caught on fire and I could get back in the bed.

 But over the past couple months my daily routine has changed.  I no longer feel like I’m getting what I need out of the morning news, and I now watch VH1’s Jump Start.  Yes, they actually show videos in the morning.  Well 2 and then a commercial break, but it gets me moving and I figure I can find some sort of news online

Why have I made this choice to walk unknowingly into the world? Because the news has become so celebrity ridden that I don’t even bother.  Well that, and the weather in Texas changes every hour, so the umbrella stays in the car. But, in 30 minutes of morning news, you hear weather and traffic 3 times. You get 4-7 minutes of local/world news.  And the rest is crap I couldn’t care less about.

I suppose I’ve noticed this trend over the past couple years.  I started to see supermodels become an endangered species.  They no longer grace the ads for high-end designers.  Don’t pop up in make up ads.  They aren’t even on magazine covers anymore.  The very thing that made them super.   It’s just actresses and singers.  Or singers turned actresses.  Or actresses turned singers.  I don’t understand why just because you are famous for doing one thing why you are allowed to do another.  Especially when you’re not good at it. 

I remember when Angelina Jolie was famous for her acting.  Did you ever see Girl, Interrupted?  Great movie. Remember when Britney Spears was hot shit for singing? Remember when Katie Holmes was on Dawson’s Creek (don’t act like you didn’t watch) Now all we know is these women have kids.  They are famous for their kids.  Angie got paid out the ass just so some magazine could have exclusive rights to the new kids photos.  You know how many women give birth everyday?  I don’t but I know its thousands. 

And I think I’m a little biased because I got mad at the news when they stopped regular television to announce the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith’s death.  CNN no less had continuous press on this.  But then Pimp C passes and I can’t find a news article on it to save my life.  Makes me feel a little like Dave Chappelle, Anna Nicole didn’t rap.

It just worries me that we base too much of what we think on what celebrities think.  I understand that’s what the marketing people want us to do.  So yeah we buy J’s cause Jordan wears them.  I wanted a pair of yellow and black Asics cause they looked so bad ass in Kill Bill.  I even considered going to get some Cover Girl make up when I saw the Queen Latifah ad.  But do I need to drink water cause 50 cent said so?  Do I need to go green cause Susan Sarandon loves the environment?  What kind of person am I if I base my President on the thoughts of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton?  Seriously I saw that on the news this morning.  Their thoughts on the President.  Why is Paris Hilton even famous to begin with? She was probably gone off Patron when she made the statement (banging ass song I might add).

Think for yourself.  The people that we look up to are just that.  People.  They only have as much power as we give them.  So drink water because you’re thirsty.  Read a book because you want to gain knowledge, not just to be in Oprah’s book club.  Vote in the election because its your right as a citizen, not cause Diddy threatened to kill you.  And turn off the tv and go out in the world to learn what’s really going on.

I hate shopping. Let me clarify that, I hate shopping for clothes.  So when I did have to go, I found a system that got me in and out in a timely fashion.  I’d find a store that suited my nerdy-classic-chic-white boy sense of style.  Try on jeans and a t-shirt once and bam, I had my sizes memorized.  I even knew that since the Limited owned Gap AND Old Navy, the blues would match.  The mall was my oyster to shuck polo after polo as I saw fit.  I became a certified denim fiend.  To the untrained eye I had the closet of a cartoon character.  Everything was the same but my system was flawless…until recently.

I swear there’s a point in our twenties when we succumb to a second puberty.  It comes along with the quarter-life crisis.   It’s not as dramatic as the change you go through in your early teens.  You don’t shoot up inches over night.  No voice change.  Hopefully no horrible acne.  But still there’s a change in you that makes you different from that person you were at say…18.  For some, your friends change. Your choice in music changes.  Your interest change.  Generally you mature. 

But I begin to notice a physical change.  My diet didn’t change any.  No change in my daily routine.  You know how when you make Jello pudding and you have to let it sit in the fridge for an hour or so until it gets thick and sets.  My hour was up.  Family members I hadn’t seen in a while noticed the change right away.  A friend’s mother in law told me I was “filling out like cavities”.  Everyone embraced the change except for me.   It caused a major problem in my life.  My jeans didn’t fit right anymore.

The staple item in my closet was rendered virtually useless.  Rivets had popped out of back pockets.  Belt loops were ripped at the seams from the dance of wiggling into my jeans.  I hadn’t gotten so deep in denial where a muffin top (the skin that folds over the top of jeans when they are too small for the person wearing them) had formed but I had to do something before it got to that point.  So I gutted my closet and took 15 pairs of jeans to Goodwill/Buffalo Exchange.  I had 7 pair left which means I was basically starting from scratch. 

It had been years since I actually had to try on a pair of jeans, so the sense of what my size actually was had escaped me.  I then realized if I was male this would be no problem at all.  I’d get a tape measure, note the length of what was needed in an inseam, measure the waist area and hit any store in search of what was needed.  That is such a rare occurrence in the world of women’s fashion.

I had this feminist English professor who swore that men made women’s clothing so that they would feel self-conscious about their self-worth.   Her argument to prove this point was the size 0.  Equal to nothing. Now while I don’t blame an entire gender for the predicament women find themselves in (although I do think men had a hand in the uncomfortableness of bras and the horror of pantyhose), I do think that there are intended traps put there by companies. 

Why can’t women’s clothing be regulated?  The last pair of jeans I bought was made by Levi’s.  The tag on the back says W26 L34.  In the world of Old Navy, that equates to a 4.  In Gap khakis that equates to a 2L.  In New York and Company pants if I get a straight leg regular fit it’s a 2, if they’re low rise, it’s a 4.  If I go to AE and get a polo I can throw on a S.  If it’s a perfect fit tee, it’s an XS.  If I want a dress from Forever 21, that I can breathe and sit down in, I am a L.  In some places my underwear is a S.  In other places it’s a 5.  Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of ordering clothes online.  I’m supposed to guess at what you call my size without even holding the clothes? 

Now, I’m not saying I want my width and length broadcasted on the side of every piece of clothing I wear, but damn can I get some sort of consistency? No wonder “women be shopping, women be shopping”.  It’s a pain in the ass even at your regular store.  If I had money I’d commission a tailor and forego this nonsense all together. 

So ladies, you might wanna check with Savvi before you order your PUM t-shirt.  They’re cute and a joy to own, but depending on who the shirt manufacturer is, you might come up short…or long…or wide…aint you read the blog?